I love reading those magazine articles where celebrities describe how they spend a typical day; they always seem to have so much fun, even when they’re working. You know the sort of thing:
9.00 am: Woke up, had a wonderful, de-stressing Indian head massage, followed by a cup of green tea and a spinach omelette made with organic egg whites.
11.00 am: Cycled to my agent’s office near Covent Garden and discussed plans for an exciting new venture over coffee and Danish pastries (naughty I know, but I deserved a treat after my early start).
1.00 pm: Phew, time for a lunch break! Stopped off at a cute little gastro pub that my great celebrity friend has just opened. The braised ox cheeks were to die for!
3.00 pm: Hit the gym after my busy morning.
6.30 pm: Met up with lots of my celebrity friends for sushi and cocktails.
10.30 pm: Slathered my face in a highly expensive face cream, checked my emails and dropped into bed, exhausted, ready for another jam-packed day tomorrow.
Oh, how enviable the celebrity lifestyle sometimes seems! This got me thinking about how I would describe a typical day of mine if I was asked. And then I thought, do you know what, why wait to be asked; why don’t I just tell you all anyway? So here’s how my day went yesterday and I think you’ll agree that the glossies will be falling over themselves to publish this snapshot of my life in their next edition:
5.50 am: Rudely awoken by alarm to find Pud had nicked all the quilt and that my left arm had turned blue as a result of prolonged exposure to extreme September weather conditions.
6.00 am. Showered, got dressed and made lunch for work. No time for an Indian head massage today but I did manage 20 sit ups while the kettle was boiling.
8.00 am: Arrived at work and was very busy and productive until lunchtime.
12.15 pm: Scoffed a tuna sandwich on white bread which I could feel expanding in my stomach practically before I’d even swallowed it. My family like to play a fun game called ‘Guess the essential item that we’ve run out of’ and on this occasion, as I’d found out earlier whilst making my lunchtime sandwich, today’s item had been brown bread. This game extends to milk, margarine, apples, washing powder and occasionally loo roll; forcing us, in extreme emergencies, to use kitchen roll for our ablutions in a special section of the game that I play on my own entitled ‘FFS, am I the only person in this goddamn house who knows how to walk into a shop and purchase essential items?!’
1.00 pm: Continued to be very busy and productive at work (after slipping out for a large caramel shortbread in a bid to shift the white bread blockage in my lower intestine).
4.30 pm: Arrived home and started dinner. Reacquainted my kids with an unusual phenomenon called vegetables, at which point Eddy started to mock gag on a floret of broccoli and Molly didn’t even attempt to eat said vegetables – choosing instead to lift her plate above my eye level as she left the table so that I wouldn’t notice the mound of orange and greenery she’d left (except that I did notice).
6.15 pm: Lovely relaxing potter around the shops where I treated myself to several luxury items. Okay, I went to Tesco’s and did the weekly food shopping.
7.30 pm: Arrived home and tried to unpack the shopping while Molly announced that she was locked out of her Ipad and couldn’t remember her email address.
9.00 pm: After over an hour of going round in circles trying to retrieve the bloody email address, finally gave up and went upstairs to change out of work clothes. Whereupon Eddy informed me that he didn’t have any clean school trousers in his wardrobe.
9.05 pm: Positioned myself at the top of the stairs and ranted loudly to Eddy (but really aimed at Pud who was downstairs, sitting on his arse watching TV) that everyone in this house thinks we have a magic, self-emptying laundry basket because EVERYONE is QUITE happy to walk past the bulging basket whenever they go into the bathroom but NOBODY actually thinks to empty it and then EVERYONE is surprised when they have no clean clothes and I work four days a week you know and have to spend the three days that I’m not at work catching up on jobs while EVERYONE else in this house gets to do nice things at the weekend and wouldn’t it be nice if SOMEONE did SOMETHING to help out in this house.
9.07 pm: Pondered the pros and cons of passive-aggression versus being assertive.
9.10 pm: Washed two pairs of school trousers for my traumatised son. Noticed that Pud was putting away the dinner dishes, which is his standard reaction whenever I moan about nobody helping.
9.30 pm: Caught up on admin. And by that I mean I sent a couple of Whatsapp messages whilst consuming a supersize vodka and coke and a packet of cheese and onion crisps.
10.30 am: Carted myself off to bed with a mug of tiredness, resentment and guilt, and a pledge not to be so passive aggressive in future.
And that was my day. I’m sure you’ll agree that is was so much more fun than any old celebrity’s. I can’t complain too much though (even I’ve spent this whole post doing just that) – I did have a business meeting with my agent the next day to look forward to. Well….coffee and cake with my mum. I can’t have my family having ALL the fun now, can I?